So birthdays suck…

…after you turn 13. Excluding 16, 17, and 19. And 18, if you live in Alberta, or if you’re into voting, but who does that right?¹

(16 you can start learning to drive, 17 you can drive on your own, 18 sucks, and 19 is legal drinking age.)

I mean, when you’re a kid, birthdays are just the best thing. There’s balloons, and streamers, and presents, and cake! Oh, so much cake. And best of all, it’s all about you. For the anniversary of your birth, you are the only thing that matters ever (does not include, and is limited to, a 24 hour period).                                         And life is great.

Then you become a pre-teen, and everything is still pretty good. There’s still cake, and presents. But ugh! The social interaction! This is just an awkward time, boys starting to like girls, the conflict of spending the time with your friends vs. your family starts to arise, and you’re just stuck in a grey area between being a kid and being a teenager. What do you do now? Are you still the same person? Is Digimon still cool?²

(And the voice cracks. Don’t even get me started on the disgusting noises that came from my face around that time.)

Then you were a young teenager. You either got drunk (off 3 beer) or played video games. I’m not going to even begin to talk about the amazing adventures that I had. But suffice to say, they were pretty cool.

If you didn’t do either of those things, then you were boring. Or female. Or gay. Or maybe you just didn’t like video games or beer. All I know is it’s probably one of those things.

Anyway, to the moral of the story: I turned 18. There was no cake³, there were no nicely wrapped presents. At least in my case, as soon as you turn 18, cake=beer, and nicely wrapped presents=money. Don’t get me wrong, my birthday was fun, but damnit if I couldn’t go for some leftover cake right now.

MS Paint Equation time!

Now this sucks, I know. But don’t be upset. I have the solutions. Right here. Never before seen. Ever.

“And who the hell puts presents in bags? Especially bags that you got for your last birthday/Christmas/Chinese new year? Really? You know what you’re getting for your birthday? A god damn gift card.” – The great philosopher of our generation, Me.

^{1. And if you’re sitting there thinking, “Man. This guy is so ignorant, I mean, who doesn’t vote?” Well to that I say: have fun being selected for juror duty, peasant.}

^{2. Just to clarify: Yes, Digimon was still cool.}

^{3. Notice there was no easy “Cake is a lie” joke. That’s called integrity.}