Monday, February 28, 2011

The Hair Cut.

A blog post. About a hair cut. You can tell how it ended.

It all started with my hair, because that’s what a hair cut is all about.



My hair was like this. But longer. Almost down to my knees.

Gorgeous, arguably luscious, and warm.


It was long, and it needed to be cut, so I did what had to be done.

I went to a barber shop, and politely asked for them to cut my hair.

I figured ordering a hair cut was similar to ordering a salad, so I went in and asked for “a straight-up caesar.” That was my first mistake.

Now she assumed I knew what I was talking about. I knew the lingo.

She cuts back with “How do you want the side? Like, a 3?”

I don’t even know what that means, so I went with the worst possible thing.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Never EVER say that to a hair dresser. That was the second, and largest mistake.

Less than 2 minutes later, I emerged to the snowy wasteland, like this:


Do you see that hair? No?

That is because there is no hair there.

There is snow, however. And a thermometer.

And the thermometer shows –100.

-100, Kelvin.


In other news, It is almost March, which I now dub Nintendo March.

Why, you ask? The 3DS.

Or, more specifically, this.

The Ocarina of Time is coming back, prettier and more dimensional than ever before. And you know what that means.

I’m sorry.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Nintendo Drinking Game*

1. Find some old Nintendo games.

2. Try to 100% them.

3. Everytime someone swears, take a drink.**

The games we had as kids were actually really damn hard.

Like, I’ve been playing Donkey Kong 64 again, and some of the Minigames are just damn obscene.

You go to the internet for help, but find only:

“That ****ing b*tch the bug you have to race as Tiny in Angry Aztec while SLIDING and collecting 50 ****ing coins.. I STILL CAN'T ****ING BEAT THAT ****ING PEIECE OF ****ING S**T!!”

To translate, You have to race this bug. Easy, right?


Firstly, the bug is fast as shit. Secondly, to win, you have to collect enough coins. Finally, If you lose, you restart. If you fall off, you restart. If he hits you, you lose coins, and you restart.



   This is the bug in question.

That asshole.




And that’s just the n64. Those games were easy.

Damn it.


* Have a paramedic with you. Speed dial is not fast enough.

**Do not do this with NES games. This will result in death.

I was a stupid child.

I found a bunch of messages left over on my email account today, and I spent quite a while reading through them. There were several important things I gleaned from them.

1. I was really frigging annoying.

2. I had no concept of grammar at all.

3. Homework in grade 8 was stupidly, stupidly easy.

And finally, (I can’t count to 4.) I had absolutely no social skills at all.

And now I am writing a blog.

I guess some things never change.


On the note of the blog, it’s been an interesting road thus far. When I first started it, I leapt on linking my blog to my Facebook and everything, so my only views were coming from people I knew in person.

Then I took the break, and started working actively on other things.
When I came back to do my few recent posts, I noticed I was getting less traffic from Areas I knew, and was getting way more hits from the world.

So, word up Portugal. Vamanos.

Somebody buy this car.

This car is the BEST CAR.
IT'S name is BONESAW!
This bitch is RED. Like, CAMARO RED.
It's a MAZDA. Those suckers last FOREVER.
This car doesn't have POWER STEERING.
You can tell your friends and your girlfriend(s) that it's you steering this bitch, not the other way around.
It's got power braking though, bro. Now you're just being crazy.
This sucker has WINDOWS.
You can roll them down to let in the WIND.
Even if there's no breeze, you can just make one because this thing has got A FOUR CYLINDER ENGINE.
That's more than 3, but less than 6!
It's like saying "Hey man, this bitch has got more power than your shitty Chevy Sprint, but it's not going to cost me a fortune."
I mean, what's up with gas prices, right?
$50 is getting you 550K. At. Least.
We don't fuck around.
It's a hatchback, so none of that walking around to the back bullshit. Just get your passengers to reach back for you!
Unless you want to walk around I guess, I mean, the hatch does open.
But you DON'T HAVE TO.
You can't hide shit back there.
BUT that means NO more being accused of hiding BODIES in your trunk!!
THIS CAR even comes with DUCT TAPE.
Finally, This thing has a FUCKING MUFFLER.
This car is BADASS and also MANLY.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Beer Review-a-thon

Sleeman’s Honey Brown Lager:


This dark lager has a medium head with an earthy honey smell. It tastes like classy hops with a nice honey undertone. Very crisp at first, but quickly mellows out. This beer is a classic, and should be treated as such.

Rickard’s Variety Pack:


Rickard’s White Ale:

This beer has a very frothy head. With a smooth texture and hints of spices and orange flavour, this beer is a great addition to any beer line-up. It’s pretty damn good.

Rickard’s Red. Not ale, not beer, just Red.

This beer is red. It's good. Not much of a head on it, and there’s not much else to say. I prefer the white ale.

Pabst Blue Ribbon:


Strong beer, ha. It just smells like cheap. Probably the grossest beer.

Rickard’s Dark:

haha, dude, this says it’s made with maple syrup. I think i taste it dude! no, wait, no. No, this just tastes like beer.


It says ist always smooth man, but i don’t think it’s smmooth it’s not really crisp either just kind of tangy but whatever, it’s like totally cheap bro


MAn this beer is so good it’s just the best. it’s cool that it doesn’t have lablels on the bottles.

Hipster pabst Beer lol!1!1


Man this beer tastes like root beer! come try this man, it’s so good! and look, it’s like, 7% and it’s almost as cheap as keystone! I know dude!

Rum and Coke;

Dude this is so good i love rum and coke. it’s oliek beer anyway righte??

G33k B33r:

man check this out its an enegy drink that taste s leik root beer I nkow dude it’s like good rot beer too not like cheap gorss root beer.

Rum and Coke:

haha, were’s the rum gone?

What. yeah dude a’ll hget back to beer in a bit whatever

kraft dinger

man who made kart diner man this is so damn good i love kraft diner so much man i love you dude bro


amn what is budwieser weven mean anyway

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Damn it, Facebook.

Or more specifically, Facebook Games. I’ve managed to avoid them until now, mainly just because I hate everything that they’re based around.

Farms? I hate Farms.

Frontiers? What the hell is a Frontier.

Cities? It’s Sim City but stupider.

But I’ve finally been snagged. They released a game based on… Monopoly.

Damn it. Double Damn it.

Nobody ever wants to play Monopoly anymore, so I figured man, this is perfect. I’ll just play Monopoly with the internet!

But no. It’s all about building a board. Building up your city, by bombarding your friends with invites and notifications, or by spending money to play a “free” game.

And that is the problem. Who else is going to play Monopoly Facebook?

Nobody I know.

In a related note, isn’t it weird that the cheapest area and the richest area are on the same corner?

Definitely prostitution.


And now an unrelated note, watch this video. It’s the best thing ever.

And then come play Monopoly with me, so I can finish my hotel in the (brown?) red light district.